


After Horizon: Guilt, Decisions and some Karaoke.

by Little_Neliel



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, Feels, Fluff, M!Shep singing, M/M, Overprotective Garrus, Post Horizon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-25
Updated: 2013-05-13
Packaged: 2017-12-06 11:20:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/735095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Little_Neliel/pseuds/Little_Neliel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Post Horizon.<br/>Garrus tries to do something about John and Kaidan's relationship, but John is drunk, (and singing), and Kaidan is reluctant.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Die For You

**Author's Note:**

> I was listening to RED's new album and 'Die for You' gave me all kinds of Horizon feels for M!Shenko.  
> So I was going to write a crackfic with some karaoke, but it turned angsty so fast it gave me whiplash. Oh Shep and Kaidan......why must you be like this?  
> I promise chapter two will at least have fluff to make up for the lack of crack -.-
> 
> (I'll link the song once I have my actual desktop back....iPads and YouTube don't get along)  
> \----  
> Die for You belongs to Red  
> Bioware owns all the rest!

Shortly after Horizon in ME2.  
The Normandy has docked at the Citadel for some repairs and a much needed night off for the crew.

\------

Kaidan's omnitool pinged, pulling him away from his report of Horizon. With a sigh he pulled up his inbox, and froze.

A message flashed.

From Garrus.

After a moments hesitation he opened it.

_Kaidan,_  
 _Meet me at the dive bar in the lower wards, you know the one. We need to talk._  
 _-Garrus_

He closed the message, intending to ignore it. He didn't need to talk to Garrus, he didn't want to hear it. But before he could get back to his report, another ping rang through the room.

_Now Kaidan._

With a heavy sigh he closed his report and grabbed his jacket. He hailed a cab and headed for the lower wards.

\-----

The cab dropped him outside one of the shittiest bars he'd ever had the privilege of being to. The original Normandy crew used to take shore leave here, just to heckle each others singing. He walked in, the bouncer barely glancing as he passed by.

The inside was dingy and smoke filled. The club was mostly humans, with a smattering of the other races. The main attraction, the oldest karaoke machine Kaidan had ever seen, was setup in the far corner. A turian was currently warbling some Quarian ballad, much to the displeasure of the patrons. He moved to the side, looking for Garrus' distinctive silhouette.  
He gave up after minute, the turian would find him.

"Hey," Garrus rumbled beside him.

Kaidan turned, hiding his surprise with years of training, "Garrus."

"Come on, I have a table," he turned away from the sentinel, heading deeper into the club. The turian slid into a booth tucked away in the shadows in the back and motioned for Kaidan to take a seat.

"So, what did you want to talk about?"

Garrus fixed him with a look.

Kaidan sighed, "Shepard?"

"John," Garrus returned, "Horizon."

"No," Kaidan shook his head, and made to stand, "I'm not discussing that with you."

"Wait," A clawed hand settled on his arm, "If you don't want to talk about it, fine, but you need to see something." Kaidan raised a brow, but stayed in his chair. Garrus simply pointed to the stage. Turning Kaidan saw the turian from earlier had stepped down and a figure in tattered jeans and a black hoody had taken to the stage. A rock beat started up, something from the 21st century. The figure turned to face the crowd, hood falling back.

Kaidan gasped.

There, on stage, was one John Shepard. His normally clear blue ears were bloodshot and his face was haggard. Non-regulation stubble graced his chin and his normally close cropped hair was starting to grow out. As the intro to the song reached its peak he closed his eyes and a voice, a voice Kaidan didn't know John had, carried through the club.

_I know you hate me_  
 _I never meant to make you feel this way_  
 _I feel so betrayed..._

Kaidan spun on Garrus, fury etched in his features. Before he could say anything the turian shook his head.  
"He doesn't know you're here. Now shut up and listen."

_It's what I burn for_  
 _It's what I bleed for_  
 _I would die for you_

_You know I'd die for you_

Kaidan could see wetness glistening on John's cheeks, and pain was etched in his features as the song picked up again.

_I feel exposed, I feel disgraced_  
 _I feel a whole new kind of hate_  
 _Someone please tell me what I'm supposed to do_  
 _'Cause you hate me but I love you_

The last sentenced was screamed into the mic, emotions tearing from the vanguard's throat.

Kaidan turned away, unable to face the raw sadness on John's face. Garrus watched him, face expressionless as only a turian's could be.

"How....." Kaidan began, and hesitated, not sure exactly what he wanted to ask.

"He's torn apart," Garrus shook his head, eyes switching back to the man on stage, "He spends more time drunk then sober right now."

Kaidan hung his head, "I....I didn't mean....."

"Maybe not," Garrus cut him off, "But you did, and it killed him."

"I...." he wanted run, not face this right now, but the look Garrus fixed him with kept him in his seat.

_It's why I'm breaking down_  
 _Ain't coming back around_  
 _Now I'm telling you_  
 _I would die for you_

_You know I'd die for you_

The song faded, and Kaidan tensed up. He should leave before John got back to the table, but he couldn't seem to make himself move.

A body dropped into the chair next to him, "Garrus," a voice rasped, "What..." and then all movement ceased. Kaidan turned to see John staring at him. Tear tracks still visible on his cheeks.

"Kaid?" his voice was almost a whisper.

"Hey," he tried to smile but it wouldn't come.

Garrus stood, "I'll leave you two....."

"No!" Kaidan spun back to the turian, he didn't want to be alone with John, "I....I should go, I have reports....." He could practically hear John's face fall as he stood, but when he turned to look Shepard had turned away.

"Yeah, can't let those reports get away," John muttered as he pulled a drink closer.

"John....." his heart was in his throat. He wanted to stay and he wanted to go. Emotions were at war in his heart, and if he stayed much longer he wasn't going to leave. Pushing his emotions down, he steeled himself and headed for the club exit.  
He didn't reach it before Garrus caught up with him.

"Kaidan," he placed himself in front of the biotic, "Don't leave him like this, not again."

"Why did you bring me here?" Kaidan asked softly despite the fact he wanted to scream at the turian. 

"Because John is my friend, and watching him fall apart is the hardest thing I've ever had to do," he replied softly, "He loves...."

"Don't," Kaidan cut him off, "Don't say that. I can't be involved, I can't just drop everything and go with him."

"Oh fuck your commission, and fuck the Alliance," Garrus snarled, "John's done so..."

"I know what he's done, dammit, I've been there since the beginning..."

"Not anymore," Garrus cut in.

Kaidan ignored him, "I just can't, not right now."

"Kaidan, I've never seen him this bad, not even after Virmire. If you leave now there might not be a later. This mission, it's suicidal," he sighed, "And right now, if given the chance, I don't think he'll even try to come back from it, Reapers or no."

Kaidan shook his head, "Don't put that on me. John is strong, he'll be okay."

"Dying changes something in a man," Garrus sighed, "Look, I just don't want you to regret this. I don't want to be coming to find you after we come back through the relay, telling you I told you so."

"Shit, Garrus, I need this commission. You and I both know the Reapers are coming, and if John doesn't have strong, reliable, support in the Alliance when they finally show...."

Garrus held up a hand, "Alright, alright, I get it," he started to head back to the table, but stopped and fixed Kaidan with a look, "But you know, you don't have to go with us, you just have to let John know you'll be there for him when he gets back." He left Kaidan then, returning to John's side.

Kaidan stood there, frozen with indecision for the first time in a long time. Garrus had a point, he didn't need to go with John, he just had to let him know he was there for him, and would still be there for him when he returned from whatever galaxy saving mission he was on. He still loved the other man, regardless of what he said on Horizon, and seeing John like this hurt.

The Alliance frowned on fraternization, but they'd said fuck the rules before and now....now he was with Cerberus. Rules like that didn't apply anymore.

A turian bumped into him, disrupting his thoughts.

"Hey man, move the hell out of the way," the patron growled at him.

"Sorry," he side stepped, realizing he was still standing in the middle of the club. 

His gaze wandered back to the table, John's head was cradled in his arms and Garrus was talking to him across the table, a compassionate claw resting on his arm. The vanguard's body was trembling, and it was then that Kaidan realized the other man was crying.

His heart broke, and before he knew it he was striding back to the table as fast as he could. Garrus looked up as he slid back into the seat next to John. His face plates shift into the turian approximation of a smile, but he said nothing.

"John?" Kaidan reached a hand out, gently touching the vanguard's shoulder.

He was instantly shrugged off, "No, don't do this again Kaidan, not again," his voice was muffled but the sentinel could still hear the pain in it.

He looked to Garrus, but the turian just made a continue motion.

"John, I....." he struggled to find what he wanted to say, and talking to John's side wasn't helping. "John, look at me, please...."  
After a second he raised his head, turning to meet his gaze. His eyes were red rimmed, and his face was puffy.

"God, John....." he reached out to trail his fingers gently under the other man's eye, wiping the tears away, "I'm so sorry.....this is all my fault...." John's eyes closed, and he leaned into Kaidan's touch. The sentinel made a decision; it may have been compromised by being so close to John, but he'd worry about that later.

"Look, I have an apartment on the Citadel," he smiled as John opened his eyes, "Come spend the night, please?"

A smile lit up the vanguard's face, and he nodded. Kaidan stood and helped John to his feet, wrapping an arm around his waist to keep him upright.

"Kaidan," Garrus called as they turned to head out, the turian came right up next to him and spoke softly in his ear, his subvocals rumbling down Kaidan's spine, "You do anything else to hurt him at this point....." he left the sentence unfinished, but patted his sidearm as he left.

"Garrus being overprotective again?" John murmured from where his head rested on Kaidan's shoulder.

"Yeah," The sentinel gave a half grin, "Come on, let's get out of here."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan and Shepard make it back to the apartment to try to talk, and then there was fluff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *waves sheepishly*  
> Hi guys, sorry this took sooooo long to finish up. RL happened. Anyway I hope you enjoy.  
> Although I feel I should warn that this is just pure, syrupy fluff...^^

They reached his apartment without incident. A small place, tucked away in the higher wards. John leaned heavily on Kaidan as the biotic punched in his access code. He lead Shepard in, closing the door behind him with his free hand.

With a hand resting lightly on John's spine, Kaidan guided him to the couch. The biotic sat, motioning for the other man to join him; John slid down next to him, leaning back.  
Kaidan took the opportunity to wrap his arms around John's chest, holding him close, fingers twining together.

They sat like that, in silence, for awhile; just being aware of each other. Fingers idly trailing over exposed arms, as thoughts whirled through the air, unspoken.

"John....." Kaidan finally broke the silence, “I...I want to apologize...”

“No,” John shook his head, turning to face the other man, “You have nothing to apologize for.”

“Yes, I do.” Kaidan hushed him, finger resting on the vanguard's lips, “I hurt you on Horizon, and hearing you sing tonight, I finally realized what an ass I've been,” he paused, fingers trailing over John's cheeks, still a little damp from earlier, “I love you so much, John Shepard, and I'm sorry. Can you forgive me?”

John smiled and leaned in, capturing Kaidan's mouth in a soft, passionate kiss. The vanguard's arms slid around Kaidan's waist, pulling him close, holding him, as he continued to plunder the other man's mouth.

Kaidan moaned, his hands sliding up under John's shirt, sending shivers up the other man's spine as he gently trailed his fingers over skin and scars. There were new ones, ones the sentinel had never felt before, and it made him hesitate for a second, guilt pushing at him for the ones he wasn't there for.

“Kaid?” Shepard caught his slight pause.

“You have new scars,” he whispered, voice slightly pained.

“Yeah,” he acknowledged softly.

“I should have been there...”

“Stop,” John moved in close, lips brushing the other man's ear, “I love you, Kaidan Alenko, nothing will ever change that, even if you miss a few scars.” He felt the sentinel shiver under him, and his arms tightened around John. He grinned, “Now,” he whispered, still next to his ear, “Where do you keep the bed around here?”

Kaidan stood, pulling John up with him and led him to the small bedroom at the back. They fell onto the bed, still tangled in each other. Lips and hands reaquainting themselves with each other. As the dark closed in around them, and all other thoughts and concerns were pushed away, John leaned in close and whispered.

“I forgive you, love.”

\------

Kaidan woke slowly, aware of limbs tangled with his and a warmth enveloping him. A hand was idly tracing patterns on his chest.

“Morning,” he murmured.

“Morning,” John replied, voice still heavy with sleep. 

Kaidan rolled onto his back to claim a good morning kiss from the other man. He glanced at the readout beside the bed and sighed. “We really should get up.”  
John grumbled, but levered himself out of bed.

They both got dressed, eyes never really leaving each other. Kaidan led them into the kitchen when they were done and began making coffee. John sat at the small counter, fingers idly twirling.

"So....." he began.

Kaidan raised a brow as he passed the other man a steaming cup of coffee, "So?"

John took a sip of coffee as he collected his thoughts. He made a vague gesture with his hand, encompassing the room and Kaidan, "Now what?" his voice was soft, none of his normal commander steel in his tone. He was speaking as a man in love, not a solider.

"I can't go with you John," he smiled gently, and placed a hand on the other man's arm as John's face fell a little, "You know that, but...." he walked around the counter, until he was standing right next to Shepard. He reached out, finger under the vanguard's chin, gently turning his face until they were eye to eye. "I will always be here for you."

“Promise?” John asked, his voice quiet and a little hesitant.

“Promise.”

Kaidan found himself pulled into a fierce hug. John buried his face into the sentinel's neck, taking the time to reconnect himself with Kaidan's scent, and the feel of Kaidan's body against his. 

Kaidan remembered Garrus' words from the previous night, the mission John was on, and returned the hug with the same amount of ferocity. 

When they finally pulled apart, Shepard caught a glimpse of wetness on the other man's cheek.

“Kaid....”

The sentinel shook his head, “I'm fine, but John...” he sighed, “Please be careful...I can't go through...I need you to come back to me.”

“Of course,” John smiled, and then glanced down as his omnitool pinged, demanding his attention. He sighed, “I have to get back to the Normandy.” 

“Garrus probably wants to know whether or not he has to come over and kick my ass,” Kaidan grinned as John sent out a quick reply to the message.

“Not happening,” came the retort, and the biotic was pulled in for a deep kiss.

Kaidan let loose a little moan as John devoured his mouth, seemingly trying to take part of Kaidan with him. When they finally broke apart Kaidan felt flushed and John had a grin on his face. 

“I should go,” John finally said, not moving an inch.

Kaidan nodded, but didn't release his grip on the other man. His face went serious for a minute, “Be careful, and...” he paused for a second, “Keep me up to date?”

“Whenever I can,” John promised. He leaned in, stealing one last kiss, and then headed for the door. With a smile and a small wave he headed out.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope your enjoyed:)  
> Comments and Kudos are love^^


End file.
